


i love him, i love him not

by kaneklutz



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Aphobia, Aromantic Tim Stoker, AspecArchives, Drinking, Gen, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, No beta we kayak like Tim, Pre-Canon, Relationship Adjacent, Sort Of, prompt: support, research era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:20:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28797501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaneklutz/pseuds/kaneklutz
Summary: Tim lives for those smiles and laughs, the casual banter they exchange as he pushes closer, and Jon stops pulling away. It’s not consistent progress; some days Jon barely speaks to him, and other days they’re going back and forth like old friends, but every day is good, because it’s Jon.All of this, however, comes to a head when Tim gets to work one day, sees Jon, and feelssomethingthat he’s not entirely sure he can name. And of course, he goes to Sasha about it.-Figuring it all out is easier with a friend, even if you don’t get to the bottom of things.
Relationships: Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist & Tim Stoker, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker, Sasha James & Tim Stoker
Comments: 17
Kudos: 74
Collections: Aspec Archives Week





	i love him, i love him not

**Author's Note:**

> cw: internalized aphobia regarding the aromantic spectrum, ie not being 'good enough' to be aro if you're greyaro/demi/etc.  
> resolved later on
> 
> also, swears (just a few)
> 
> full disclosure: i am aromantic, and my intention is to shed light on how difficult it is to figure out how you feel and care for someone in an allo-centric world, and absolutely not to invalidate anyone who is demi, grey-aro, etc.  
> as always, i accept criticism wholeheartedly :]

There’s been a small pin attached to Jon’s satchel ever since the day they met.

Tim recognizes the colours well, but doesn’t say anything about it. Surprisingly, he does know how to keep his mouth shut, and Jon doesn’t seem like the type to enjoy discussing his personal life.

As is made clear when Tim introduces himself that first day, and Jon merely glances at him, nods, and turns back to his work.

For some time, this is all there is. Tim will say something, ask Jon a question or make a joke, and Jon will either respond in a simple sentence, or just nod. A few days go by, then weeks, and still Jon is quiet, and reserved, and doesn’t talk about himself until prompted.

But Tim’s used to people who take a while to open up, and Jon hasn’t told him off for being a distraction yet. So he persists, and a few months later, is rewarded with small, hesitant smiles, dry responses that are startlingly funny, and even a chuckle on rare occasions.

It’s delightful, and so, so worth it. Tim lives for those smiles and laughs, the casual banter they exchange as he pushes closer, and Jon stops pulling away. It’s not consistent progress; some days Jon barely speaks to him, and other days they’re going back and forth like old friends, but every day is good, because it’s Jon.

All of this, however, comes to a head when Tim gets to work one day, sees Jon, and feels _something_ that he’s not entirely sure he can name. And of course, he goes to Sasha about it.

”What’s the problem?”

 _”Sasha,”_ Tim whines, flopping back onto the sofa. “You know the problem. I’m aro, I don’t _do_ this kind of stuff! Never have and never thought I would!”

They’re at her flat, after work on a Friday night, and imbibing various drinks (the cheap stuff, because neither of them felt like splurging), and boxes of takeout. Styrofoam containers are scattered all over the coffee table, and Tim holds a mug of some fruity liquor in his left hand, and chopsticks in his right.

Sasha, on the other side of the sofa, is sitting prim and proper, legs folded neatly under her, and sipping at her own drink while looking over at him in amusement.

”You know it’s okay if you’re demi, or grey? Or maybe Jon’s just an exception, Tim. It’s not a big deal if you feel something for him.”

Tim pouts, takes a piece of chicken, and pops it in his mouth. The sweet and sour flavour reminds him of that morning, seeing Jon in that stupid plum coloured shirt with his stupid messy hair, and those stupid glasses perched on his nose.

Sweet, and then abruptly sour, as he realized exactly what was going through his head.

”You don’t get it, Sash! You’re all-the-way aro, you’re not going out and falling for the first guy you see on the street,” he whines.

She rolls her eyes, and bites off the end of a spring roll, careful to not make a mess. “This is hardly the ‘first guy you saw on the street,’ Tim. It’s Jon, your friend, and someone you obviously care about deeply. Feelings are messy, holding 'all-the-way aro' on a pedestal is stupid, and besides, I’ve thought I wanted a relationship before. Turns out, I really didn’t, but who knows!”

”So you think that this is just a mistake?” Tim asks genuinely. It’s not like he can tell, himself.

With a tilt of her head and a shrug, she takes another sip of her drink. “I don’t know, Tim. What do you think?”

”I don’t think I want to date him?” Tim says, slowly. “Not like I can really tell, but I don’t think so. Jon just feels… different than anyone I’ve talked to for ages. Kinda like me and you, but not at the same time?”

”Right, right,” Sasha nods. “So it’s not really a romantic thing, just different from what you’ve ever felt, and it’s freaking you out?”

Tim shakes his head. “That’s the thing, I don’t know if it’s romantic. Maybe it is? Like, I could see myself holding hands with him as we walk down the sidewalk, y’know."

”Tim, that means nothing. We hold hands sometimes when we’re walking down the sidewalk at night,” Sasha says with a snort.

Rolling his eyes, Tim waves his hand absently at her. “That’s only so neither of us get hate crimed, Sash, and we both know it. This isn’t that, this feels real. Or at least I think it does.”

“Okay, so possibly romantic feelings but you’re not sure. How about a date?” she asks. “Would you want to go out with him, in a romantic context?”

”Yeah– no? Maybe? I’d go out with him, but I don’t know if I’d _go out_ with him?” Tim runs his hands through dishevelled hair, yawning widely. “Also, we’re just not compatible. That’s another problem.”

”What d’you mean?” Sasha asks, frowning at him.

”Ace pin, on his bag. I noticed it the first day, and it hasn’t been removed so I guess he’s out, or not shy about it.”

”Oh, you’re right,” Sasha says, nodding. “I’ve seen it. Never asked him, doesn’t really seem like–”

”Like the type to share, yeah,” Tim agrees. “But that means he doesn’t want to fuck and does want to date, and I don’t want to date, probably, and do fuck.”

”You always phrase these things so eloquently,” Sasha sighs. “And to be fair, you can’t assume, he could be sex-neutral or interested. Speculating won’t help though.”

”Yeah, you’re right, I shouldn’t.” Tim sets down his chopsticks, and leans back into the sofa. “But back to whether I’d want to go on a date with him. I don’t– I don’t think so, probably not.”

”Okay,” Sasha nods. “And?”

“And I’d like to go out with him, yes, I just don’t think the romantic stuff would work out too well, probably,” Tim says, his hands absentmindedly playing with the paper wrapping chopsticks came in. Folding it up tiny, tiny, before unfolding it and meticulously ripping it to shreds.

“Alright. So to summarize, you feel differently about him than you’ve felt about anyone else, but it’s probably still not a romance thing?”

Tim shrugs. “That about sums it up, I guess. And y’know, it’s kinda driving a hole into my whole identity and who I thought I was as a person, and I know it’s _stupid_ to be so upset about this, but I–”

There’s blood in his mouth; he’s bitten into the side of his cheek. Tim closes his eyes, takes a deep, steadying breath.

”I spent so long figuring this shit out. And if I’ve been wrong, all this time, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

There’s a moment of silence, as he blinks tears away, and then Sasha speaks up.

”Tim, listen to me.”

He looks over at her, just a little humiliated by how close he is to fully tearing up. The last time he cried over anything was– well, it was two days ago when he stubbed his toe, but still. Humiliating.

“If you think you like him, it’s okay. If you don’t think you like him like that, also okay. And if you’re not sure, that’s still okay.” Sasha says this gently, but without leaving any room for argument. She takes the mug from him, sets it on the coffee table and takes his hands in hers.

“He makes me happy,” Tim murmurs, shifting so he can face her properly. “That’s really all I know, Sasha. He makes me happy.”

“Good,” she replies firmly. “You deserve to be happy, Tim. And no matter what happens, I’m still gonna support you. You’re gonna be okay. Friends, some sort of relationship, QPR, whatever.”

He sniffs slightly, blinks to rid his eyes of the tears that have inevitably cropped up. “Thanks, Sasha.”

“Anytime, you big baby,” she teases lightly. “Really, though. I didn’t think he was your type.”

“I don’t _have_ a type, Sasha, the point of me is that I’m equal opportunities until the topic of dating comes up.”

They continue to bicker late into the night, Sasha putting on a bad accent that sounds somehow both too posh and not posh enough to be Jon, and Tim laughing so hard he feels like his ribs might crack.

He doesn’t know what’s going to happen next, but it’s enough for now, to just let it all be.

**Author's Note:**

> happy aspec archives week :] 
> 
> ( am i ride or die aromantic!tim? not particularly. do i think that exploring his relationship with romance especially as it relates to a personality of just being incredibly friendly and genuinely caring about people as a whole is interesting? absolutely )


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